A Guide to Understanding Family Communication Styles

Communication is a fundamental skill, and yet it is also a downfall for many families. Understanding family communication styles sets the tone for relationships, decision-making, connection, and the overall family culture. By starting with an awareness of these family communication styles, your family can find blind spots and improve ways of engaging. Rather than forcing everyone to communicate the same way, the goal should be to find unity as a collective whole, where each family member’s voice is heard and participates.

Let’s explore 4 common family communication styles and how you can assess your own.

Four Basic Family Communication Styles

1. The Achievers Family Communication Style

With this communication style, the dynamic is focused on success, often driven by the need to win, be the best, or accomplish more. In families, this style can often manifest with one personality dominating the conversation, making decisions, or pushing others to meet high expectations. (Read more about understanding different personality types here.)

While this style can lead to high achievement, it can also create tension and pressure within the family, as not everyone may share the same goals or approach. This family communication style can be higher conflict as there usually are winners and losers to interactions.

2. The Peacekeepers Family Communication Style

With this family communication style, the dynamic aims to maintain harmony at all costs. These families may appear to have less outright conflict, but the passivity can lead to passive-aggressive behavior. Over time, unresolved issues can build up, which leads to resentment or a breakdown of genuine trust and connection.

In this style, while the status quo might be maintained, sometimes it prevents true peace from being accomplished by not addressing issues.

3. The Island Family Communication Style

With this family communication style, family members tend to operate primarily from independence. The family operates in silos, each member doing what works best for them first. This can lead to withdrawal for family members who prefer to handle things on their own, or it can also lead to tension from trying to navigate multiple different styles without compromise or understanding. 

While this style allows for autonomy, it can also lead to disconnection and a lack of cohesiveness as a family. Individual personalities can still be honored, but this style is missing a defined core as a family that draws everyone together.

4. The Builders Family Communication Style

With this family communication style, the family operates with a focus on creating something positive together. Each personality contributes to the larger whole because they know the vision they are working towards. This style is constructive, directional, and empathetic in its communication. Builders listen, support, and encourage each other, while working collaboratively towards shared goals.

This is an effective communication style for developing a healthy family environment by supporting mutual respect and understanding. There still can be challenges of bringing together individual personality types, but the defining goal helps set the tone for what the family believes in and how it operates.

What’s Your Family’s Communication Style?

Now that you have an understanding of 4 common family communication styles, it’s time to assess your own family. Remember, every style has both strengths and weaknesses, so the goal is to build and meld together those positive traits for the unique way of communication that works best for your family. 

To evaluate your family’s communication style, ask your family these questions:

• What tends to be our goal when engaging in communication? Creating a winner? Seeking understanding? Etc
• Is there a tendency to focus on accomplishments and outcomes over the process and emotional well-being?
• How do we handle disagreements? Do we tend to sweep things under the rug to keep the status quo?
• How connected do we feel as a family?
• Do we find it hard to come together as a family, preferring instead to maintain our individual routines and spaces?
• Do we regularly check in with each other to ensure everyone feels supported and connected?

Use these questions to assess with your family which communication styles you lean towards and where your areas are to improve.

Changing the Cycle with Family Communication Styles

As you begin to understand your family’s communication styles, it might feel overwhelming or discouraging, but the good news is that you don’t have to change overnight. Family will always be an evolving process of growth when it comes to communication, so dive into the next right steps. Building block by building block, you will be on your way to setting a strong foundation.

To start your journey, look at the context first that shapes your family communication. Is there past family history that has influenced why you communicate the way you do? How do the personality types in your family influence it as well? Your overall family communication style is influenced by many factors, so it’s helpful to understand how you got here in the first place.

Take your next steps to building a more cohesive family unit!