Building an Interdependent Family System

As society has changed, our family systems have adapted as well. Independence and individualism are common traits that are encouraged in children. And while those are not inherently wrong, it can miss the complete picture of all the family unit could be. We can raise kids to be independent, but if that’s the only thing we teach, we’re only giving them wings, not roots as well. That’s where the interdependent family system comes in.

Why an Interdependent Family System?

The point of an interdependent family is like a base camp. It’s a place of replenishment, encouragement, training, and growth. You can still teach children how to be independent adults, but you are giving them a place to return to and a strong foundation to live from as well. As they learn how to shape what you’ve taught them to make it personal for themselves, that is where the baton is passed from one generation to the next.

3 Ways to Build Your Interdependent Family System

So in order to start creating this structure that helps give your family roots and wings, there are 3 key principles of an interdependent family system:

1. The interdependent family system has a shared identity.

We tend to hear about how to find your own identity as an individual, but a shared family identity often is a crucial missing piece in our families today. It gives your family something to rally around and participate in both individually and collaboratively. When you all determine who you want to be as a family, it gives a clear standard to how you live and how each person can participate. (Read our guide here on a family rhythms plan for more info.)

2. The interdependent family system treats family as a foundation or roots.

One of the things we need to change most is our view of family. As we survey families on the topic of what the purpose of family is, we hear things like “Have fun together” or “Love each other”, and while they aren’t bad things, the problem is they all tend to fade once kids are out of the house. When we take family back to its biblical definition (see our post about that here), family becomes a place to deepen roots and pass on values. Family should be about sharing what matters and providing grounding that lasts long after children are out of the house.

3. In the interdependent family system, all individuals contribute to the whole.

The pushback we often hear to this idea of interdependence is that it will take away individual identity or just be a forced conformity to one person’s rules, but that is not what healthy interdependence should look like. A strong family system helps teach individuals about their unique strengths and abilities, and it then gives them a safe place to learn and grow these things within the family. The idea here is then you don’t have one personality dominating when you all are contributing from a place of each individual’s unique purpose that ties into the family as a whole.

Finding the Balance of Interdependent vs Independence

Because our modern society pushes so hard on individualism, it can feel countercultural to work on an interdependent family model. The balance here is that teaching independence is not wrong, but if that is the ONLY thing you teach your children, your family loses the opportunity to also be a place of shared values and support. So raise your kids to become independent adults, to think for themselves, and give them the foundation to keep growing from and to return to and participate in. That’s what healthy interdependence starts to look like when we continue to support one another and stay rooted in the things that matter.

Ultimately, this becomes the path to generational success. When a family stays connected, continues to share and iterate on how we express values, and consistently supports one another, this builds a bridge from one generation to the next.

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