Understanding Forgiving Family: What Forgiveness Is and What It Isn’t

When it comes to practicing forgiving family, we tend to think of the cliche “I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” that was often said through gritted teeth. However, forgiveness is much deeper than this, so to keep our family relationships healthy we need to understand what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not.

What Forgiveness Is Not

1. Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting  

A common barrier to forgiving family is we assume forgiveness means we have to act like nothing ever happened. Even after extending forgiveness, it still is valid and natural to carry the emotional scars, and forgiving does not mean you minimize the impact of what happened. The experiences we are forgiving allow us to inform what healthy reconciliation looks like because it does remember what occurred and what should change.

2. Forgiveness Is Not Excusing or Justifying  

Forgiving family members doesn’t equate to condoning actions or justifying the other person’s actions. It’s important to distinguish between understanding someone’s reasons for their behavior and excusing it. Forgiveness is about acknowledging that, while the actions were wrong, you choose to release the grip of anger and bitterness. From Berkeley’s Science Center, they say “forgiveness is best seen as something that will bring you peace, closure, and reduce your suffering” as opposed to forcing positive feelings or approving of what happened.

3. Forgiveness Is Not Reconciliation  

Lysa Terkeurst, author of Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, said “Forgiveness is unconditional but reconciliation is not. Reconciliation is conditional.” This is a key difference to understand that you can indeed forgive someone, but it does not always lead to reconciliation, and reconciliation absolutely should have conditions and effort from both sides. When trust has been broken, reconciliation looks at what has happened and sets an appropriate plan. Forgiveness does not mean handing out free passes and just hoping bad behaviors won’t happen again.

In cases where reconciliation is not possible or where continuing the relationship would be harmful, forgiveness can still occur, allowing you to move on without the burden of unresolved resentment, but still protecting healthy boundaries.

What Forgiveness Is

Now that you understand what forgiveness is not, we need to examine what forgiveness is in order to progress towards forgiving family in a way that leads to the next step of reconciliation.

1. Forgiveness Is Letting Go of Resentment  

At its core, forgiveness is about releasing the negative emotions tied to an offense. It’s a conscious effort to let go of the anger, bitterness, and resentment that can consume you. Note that this does not mean negative has to be replaced with positive feelings, but it just is about release, no longer holding onto the negative. Forgiveness is about your freedom, to begin the process to lay down the emotional weight you were carrying.

2. Forgiveness Is a Choice and Process  

Forgiveness is not an automatic emotional response—it’s a deliberate choice, and it may be a choice you have to return to again and again. When it comes to forgiving family, it often is a process to release the emotions and that healing takes time. It’s an ongoing journey, not a one-time event, where you continuously decide to let go of the pain and move forward. Our family relationships will be defined by how we navigate this process- towards healing or towards holding resentment.

I forgive this person for how their actions back then are still impacting me now. And whatever my feelings don’t yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover.- Lysa Terkeurst

3. Forgiveness Is for You, Not Just for the Other Person 

The reality of forgiveness is it often has less to do with who you are forgiving and is more about your benefit. By forgiving, you unburden yourself of the emotional baggage that comes with holding onto bitterness. Even if the other person may not change or acknowledge wrong, forgiving means you are actively seeking to align with God’s command to forgive. Forgiving starts with your heart, not waiting until the other person realizes they did something that needed to be forgiven.

Forgiving Family and Growing

Many family conflicts persist because we won’t even begin the process of forgiveness and want to keep score. But holding onto past wrongs will only create barriers to healing and perpetuate cycles of hurt. With this renewed understanding of what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not, you can begin the process of redefining forgiving family

Walking into restoration is an option when both parties are willing, though it’s important to recognize that not all situations allow for reconciliation, especially in cases of extreme abuse or deeply painful past circumstances. When possible, choose forgiveness as a path to peace, understanding that while reconciliation may not always be achievable, forgiveness offers a way forward.