Heart Check-In Guide: How to Have Meaningful Conversations with Your Teens

There’s not always an easy roadmap for how to have meaningful conversations with your kids, and this can especially feel true in the teenage years.

Heart check-ins are one of the best tools you can use to stay connected through changing seasons. These don't have to be perfect. They should just be consistent habits woven through your family rhythms.

Below are practical tips for having these types of conversations, along with categories of questions to help you check in on the different areas of life your teens are navigating.

PRACTICAL TIPS TO HAVE MORE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR KIDS

TIP 1: SET A GOAL FOR YOUR CONVERSATION

Going into a heart check-in with your teen without a goal often ends up with you trying to do too much at once.

Setting a clear goal gives you a clear path as you navigate the conversation. What is your expectation for the conversation? What do you want to be listening for?

For most check-ins with teens, the first goal is simple: be present and listen.

We see a picture of this with Martha and Mary. When Jesus visited, Martha busied herself with many things, but Mary simply sat and listened.

It's easy to walk into a conversation with your teen like Martha, but Jesus says Mary’s approach is the better one. (Luke 10:39-42)

From there, you can pick two or three other goals that fit the moment, such as:

• Learn something new about what they have going on.
• Find out one way you can support them this week.
• Affirm who they are and point them to truth.

You won't accomplish all of your goals at once, and you shouldn't try. Just focus on sitting close and listening well.

TIP 2: CONSIDER THEIR PERSONALITY TYPE

We all handle conversations differently because of our personality types.

Before your next check-in, take a moment to picture your teen at their most comfortable. Where are they? What are they doing? Who else is around? Try to recreate some of these if you can to set a comfortable environment to have a meaningful conversation.

The more you understand your teen’s personality type, the easier it becomes to connect more deeply.

TIP 3: PRACTICE VULNERABILITY AND INVITE THEIR PERSPECTIVE

Big questions feel less overwhelming when an answer or prompt is shared first. Leading with "I don't have it all figured out" or "I struggle with this too" can help set the tone for honest conversation.

After you share, leave space for them to provide their perspective on things. Ask what the question stirred up, or use some of the questions below to help start more meaningful conversations.

HEART CHECK-IN CATEGORIES WITH TEENS

These categories give you a holistic picture of how your teen is doing, from their sense of identity and purpose, to the struggles they may be carrying. Use them as starting points to open the conversation and come alongside them with the support they need.

1. DO THEY FEEL UNDERSTOOD AND VALUED?

You play an essential role in affirming your child in who they are because of who God says they are.

To see where your teen may be at with feeling understood or valued, try questions like these:

• If your friends had to describe you in three words, what do you think they'd pick? What would you pick?
• Has someone done something nice for you lately?
• What's something you wish someone understood about you?
• What’s something you wish someone would say to you?

2. DO THEY UNDERSTAND AND FEEL LIKE A PARTICIPANT IN THE FAMILY PURPOSE?

The teenage years are where your child is navigating how to find their own identity, so you’ll want to do check-ins to see how they feel about where they belong.

Try asking these types of questions to see how they are feeling about being a part of the family purpose:

• What do you think you bring to our family that no one else does?
• What makes you feel most at home here?
• What's something our family does that you'd want to do with your own family someday?

3. WHAT GAPS DO THEY SEE IN THE FAMILY?

Healthy relationships are built on communication check-ins where you are giving and receiving honest feedback. Make space for your teen to share feedback so you can build trust.

Try these questions:

• What's something we do that you'd want to do differently?
• Are there a gaps between what our family says matters to us and how we actually live that you see?

4. WHERE DO THEY FEEL PRESSURE OR WHAT DO THEY WISH WAS NOT SO HARD?

When your teen shares where they're feeling pressure or frustration, they're giving you a way to come alongside them.

Meeting them with care and empathy helps you lead them through the more difficult seasons ahead:

• What feels like the heaviest thing on your shoulders lately?
• What’s something you wish people understood more about what you’re going through right now?
• If you could take one thing off your plate right now, what would it be?

KEEP SHOWING UP IN MEANINGFUL WAYS FOR YOUR TEEN

Summer is a great time to slow down and have these heart check-ins, so don’t miss this opportunity to build deeper connections and have more meaningful conversations with your kids. You won't get every conversation right, and that’s okay. Keep up your family rhythms, and trust that the small moments are doing more than you can see.

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Need more guidance on the habits and rhythms you are building? Our Winning Family Culture Study equips you with habits and rhythms that keep your family connected so you can continue to live out the purpose God has for your family today.