Family values are long-lasting when everyone knows the foundation they're standing on. But by the time your children are adults, with their own lives, opinions, and families, keeping family values across generations takes a different kind of intentionality.
Your adult children have their own convictions now, and they'll only carry forward what they've truly made their own. A conversation that feels more like a lecture about this won’t bring them closer, and for some families, that drift has already begun.
The four steps outlined below will give you confidence to start having meaningful conversations with your adult children about your family values.
Think of these conversations as a values check-in: a chance to share where each of you stand and to keep building on the foundation together.
Instead of walking in with your own agenda, come into the conversation seeking to understand. Whether you're revisiting values that you’ve talked about before, or you’re naming them for the first time, come in open-handed to hear what they actually think about them.
Adult children can sense when a conversation is about to become a lecture, and that’s often when walls start to go up. If there is apprehension on their end and curiosity on yours, it shows them that their perspective truly matters to you, and that will keep the conversation going.
You can’t force a value on your adult child that they don’t feel connected to. Be sure to first listen for which of your family's values actually mean the most to them. This sets the tone for the conversation so you can hear what God has put on their hearts and find common ground together.
Then, listen for the ones that just felt like rules or that feel less connected to them currently. When you hear more about a value that doesn’t fully resonate, you can try to connect it to something they already care about. For example, maybe your adult child shrugs at the word "stewardship," but they are passionate about taking care of the environment. That's the same value, just viewed a bit differently, and you can help connect those themes.
Now that your mindset is ready, you can begin to ask the types of questions that will help you discern the values on your children's minds and where your family is at. Asking the right questions can help:
When an answer surprises you or you want to go deeper, follow up with "Help me understand that a little more."
After listening and asking the right questions, you should have a clearer picture of where your adult kids stand with your family values. You’ll notice which ones have taken root, along with which ones haven’t. This is where you can start building from.
Pick one value to lean into this season. Maybe an answer surprised you and you want to keep that conversation going. Maybe you noticed a value that never quite landed, and you want to gently offer a different point of view or reconnect it to something they care about. You don't have to address everything at once. Each check-in builds on the last.
This is how you keep family values across generations. God designed your family to be multi-generational, and these ongoing conversations are how you keep building that foundation, one conversation at a time.
Your family was designed to be an interdependent team, one that keeps growing and shaping each other over a lifetime. Throughout Scripture, we see families doing exactly that: living and working together to reflect God to one another and the world around them. By living out the same values, you can start working towards this vision together.
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Want to go deeper on your family's mission, vision, and values? Our Family Legacy Study helps you dig into God's purpose for your family and strengthen the foundation your generations will stand on.