“Just be yourself” is a common phrase children are told at many different stages of life. Self-confidence is supposed to be the key to stand firm and to not let doubt touch their lives.
Have you ever paused to consider the weight that is though on your child? When they are still developing who they are and there are many competing voices telling them who to be, it can actually be overwhelming.
That’s where the power of shared identity and values comes into play. It doesn’t negate having self-identity, but the best foundation you can give your child actually starts at the family level.
Let’s take a deeper look at this connection of values and identity.
The reason “just be yourself” is such a common (but off-base) theme is that we live in a world that is pushing on two key areas:
The reality is we live in a world where every influence possible is competing to tell your child who they should be and to point out the flaws in them. Identity can almost become about status. If you want to feel secure, you have to fit the mold of what is popular today.
At the deepest level though, what is really happening is that our society is slowly shifting your children’s identities to fall squarely on their own shoulders. It is removing the seat of influence from the family.
To be secure in who you are, the next component of that is what you do or what you believe matters. This is why values and identity are so intermingled. The world says who you are is tied to what you care about- status, opinions on causes, activities, etc.
It starts to become confusing on what truly matters, and unfortunately, even as parents, we can unknowingly add to that pressure. Between activities and achievements, what are you subliminally telling your child matters most?
It’s hard to say generosity, for example, is your family value, when the majority of your time and talent goes to activities. It’s not that activities are wrong, but just that you are missing behaviors that tie to values, and sometimes that may take shifting priorities.
After considering those pressures, the natural inclination is to fight back, right? We want to remove the negative influences and only fill our kids’ minds with Christ!
However, the goal for a strong biblical family isn’t to remove all possible bad influences; it’s to stand firm. That’s where shared identity and values become your tools to leverage.
A shared identity helps spread the load more evenly. When your child is feeling the weight or uncertainty of who they are supposed to be, they can fall back on what they already know is true of the family. Picture your child being able to use a statement like this when they were feeling overwhelmed or uncertain:
Shared identity provides a place of strength and support.
As you have clear identity, then values help your family put that identity in motion and anchor it further. Values and identity have to go hand in hand.
Clear values as a family help everyone operate from the same standard. Your child already is facing immense pressure from the world on how to live, so make it clear and actionable what matters by everyone having the same, exact standards.
When everyone is making decisions from the same values, suddenly you are living with a lot more intentionality and cohesion.
These two concepts have to go hand-in-hand. You can say who your family is but it won’t have much impact if it isn’t ever practiced. Shared identity sets the table, and values get it in motion.
Try these exercises to start forming your identity and values as a family:
You won’t be able to remove the pressure your children face in the world, but the best thing you can do is give them an unshakeable foundation and framework to live from. It’s more than just knowing scripture or putting them in church around good influences. Your family needs a clear way to live daily, and that’s the framework shared identity and values give.
-
Need help digging further into those shared actions and values as a family? We have a simple “Values in Action” kit that will equip you with instructions and easy downloads for a fun challenge to identify and practice your values! Get it here!