The cost of an unhealthy family culture is something that you might not see the effects of for years, but it is a price you will have to pay at some point. One piece of proof is research that shows roughly 27% of American adults are estranged from a family member. It’s just one of the signs of the price we pay when family culture falls by the wayside.
It’s important we start to pay attention to the warning indicators, the unhealthy family traits, before they become major divisions that isolate or push away your family members.
Having served many families who are experiencing children walking away from the faith, these lessons come from common themes we hear parents wish they would have addressed sooner. So whether you are trying to build a strong family culture right now, or maybe you are working on correcting behaviors, take time to dig into honest evaluation on these unhealthy family culture traits.
More than ever, families are disconnected. Life is busy, it’s tough to instill a faith that stands up in a society full of pressure, and we feel the weight of so many other areas. It can be easy to let little things slip through the cracks, but these are some of the critical beginning points of failure we see in families:
It’s not that you can only have one amorphous identity, but rather a healthy family, made up of unique individuals, still has a common overarching identity everyone participates in and sees the purpose of. You live for things beyond only yourself. Think about what would rally your family and give them something to share in.
3. The important, but not urgent, things get put on the back-burner the most.
If you want to know where your family will struggle the most, take a look at what is missing first. What consistently tends to get moved to dealing with later? You might not even realize it, but we have seen it often is things like:
- setting a process for conflict
- time to serve and be in community
- dealing with unresolved hurts
- figuring out a decision-making process that supports what you value
At some point, we have to move the ideals into action. Failure is all about the foundation you have built on. Did you keep putting that foundation work off?
One of the saddest examples is we heard a family say, “Well, now that my kids are out of the house, so we are less busy, I’m ready to think about our values!”. While it always is good to develop values, imagine if they had given their kids a more intentional path to walk from with values instead of waiting for the less busy day.
4. There is no defined check-in process to know if your family is doing well, on-track, or not.
If you want to catch unhealthy family traits early, you have to actually be aware of the issues, and that requires regular evaluation. So many of the challenges could be caught way earlier if families just had a regular time to meet, hear what is on each other’s hearts, deal with business, and plan on occasion. (That’s the power of a family meeting!)
That’s where so much of failure begins simply through our lack of awareness. A healthy family makes honest evaluation a regular rhythm.
If you can catch these early warning signs, you will be able to make significant progress towards setting up a stronger foundation as a family. Too often, we get stuck only chasing the symptoms when really the root is what needs to be addressed.
To stay on track, or even correct where you are at, the best thing you can do is to choose honest evaluation. Don’t accept cliche Christian answers or “good enough” in your actions. Dive deep into the true patterns of your family.
The good news is that God is never finished with your family’s growth. It is never too late for change. Just don’t miss the opportunity to take inventory in your life and work on those areas before they can turn into unhealthy family traits.
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Want help in that family evaluation process? Use our Family Core Survey to assess the 5 key foundations of your family and get a report on where to pay attention to and where to grow!